Freedom from the inside out

I have felt something lodged inside of me. It has been a holding tightly to something deep down inside. I have felt it for many months. More than a year, really. And I’ve wanted to rid myself of it.

I have tried hard to rid myself of it.

For a long time I thought it was stress. External stressors that were causing me to ball up inside and I could not seem to shake the stress. Addicts in my life. Loss in my life. Difficulties in my life. Debt in my life.

And the holding—gripping really—would not release.

I could not pray it away.

I could not plead with God enough to rid myself of it.

I could not shake it off or deep-breathe it away.

I could not talk it out with friends enough to get rid of it.

Watch enough Netflix, climb enough hills, sleep enough, or cry enough to make it go away.

I

Could

Not

Make

It

Stop!

Then a couple days ago I heard some news that threw me into hysteria. Literally. I cried from lunchtime until bedtime and I could not get control of my crying fits. Sobbing. Yelling. Crying fits.

Even as I was talking on the phone for work I cried. I was able to control my voice and have a conversation but the tears were still leaking out of my eyes onto my planner.

The minute I hung up the phone I resumed audible wailing.

I’ve not cried that long and hard since I don’t know when.

But it wasn’t just tears. No, it was much more involved than mere sadness and frustration coming out of me like waterworks.

It was rage.

It was anger and hatred. The news I got erupted into feelings. I screamed and yelled about how much I hated “them.” How I never wanted to set eyes on “them” again. And since I was alone, I yelled it to God.

I didn’t yell at God, but to Him.

A lot.

I yelled, “I hate them,” to God and I knew it was true and I knew He knew it was true. He had known all along.

And in the crying and yelling hatred from my heart, something happened.

There was a dislodging. A release of feelings I was holding inside for who knows how long.

Of course God knew how long.

He knew the feelings were there, deep inside.

I did not. (Not to the full extent of them anyway.)

Not until my heart filled up to bursting with hatred and I broke.

I lost all control of my emotions and I broke.

When I finally went to bed, spent and sad and quiet, I slept deeply.

And when I awoke in the morning, there was a peace that had seeped into me and I felt … okay.

Better.

Relieved.

And I knew it was the hatred that had been lodged inside of me. Not outside things, but inside things had been lodged, clinging to me, holding me captive.

All along I had thought it was external stress but it was really internal shoved-down feelings.

Sadness. Frustration. Hatred. Rage.

And I’m not completely surprised by the lodged feelings. I’ve been there before. I’ve had come-to-Jesus and let it all out in uncensored honesty moments before.

But I didn’t realize I was doing it again.

And now, I see there is more work to do in dealing with the feelings and the thoughts. I’ve got a backlog to manage.

Review.

Raw honesty with God.

Release.

And I’m smiling because I know Jesus is here to help me with all the things He already knows.

And what I already know is God is not afraid or surprised by my feelings. He is not angry with me for trying to keep the feelings shoved inside. And He is here, willing and wanting me to share everything lodged in my heart.

He is here, willing and wanting me to be free from all I am feeling and thinking.

And I don’t need to behave like a “good girl” and a “good Christian” in front of God.

I can be real and honest and open with Him. Because He Is The One who already knows the ugly truth. The messy truth. The entire truth.

And He will take care of “them” as I let Jesus take care of me—as I share everything raw and hard and wrong that has been lodged inside of me.

And it feels like freedom.

“So if the Son sets you free, you really will be free.” —John 8:36